Chaplaincy Review: Dietrich Bonhoeffer, "Who am I?"

This poem was written by Dietrich Bonhoeffer during his time in Tegel Prison. Bonhoeffer (1906-1945) was a pastor and a participant in the German resistance to the National Socialist regime. He was implicated in the July 20 plot to assassinate Hitler, and was hanged for treason on April 9, 1945 at Flossenbürg concentration camp.

Who am I? They often tell me
I would step from my prison cell
poised, cheerful and sturdy,
like a nobleman from his country estate.

Who am I? They often tell me
I would speak with my guards
freely, pleasantly, and firmly,
as if I had it to command.

Who am I? I have also been told
that I suffer the days of misfortune
with serenity, smiles and pride,
as someone accustomed to victory.

Am I really what others say about me?
Or am I only what I know of myself?
Restless, yearning and sick, like a bird in its cage,
struggling for the breath of life,
as though someone were choking my throat;
hungering for colors, for flowers, for the songs of birds,
thirsting for kind words and human closeness,
shaking with anger at capricious tyranny and the pettiest slurs,
bedeviled by anxiety, awaiting great events that might never occur,
fearfully powerless and worried for friends far away,
weary and empty in prayer, in thinking and doing,
weak, and ready to take leave of it all.

Who am I? This man or that other?
Am I then this man today and tomorrow another?
Am I both all at once? An impostor to others,
but to me little more than a whining, despicable weakling?
Does what is in me compare to a vanquished army,
that flees in disorder before a battle already won?

Who am I? They mock me these lonely questions of mine.
Whoever I am, you know me, O God. You know I am yours.